I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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