i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
