Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize