Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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