I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
