Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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