oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
birth control should be required to get into college
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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