I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
