highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
