I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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