So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
