the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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