oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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