I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
