haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
