Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
