Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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