it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
