It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
