Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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