wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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