Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
