she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
