so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize