Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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