I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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