I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
