I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
