I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
