Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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