You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i out mim tonsoeep
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