I'm jealous of your bromance
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
