Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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