did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
