On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
