At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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