Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
