Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
