"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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