grandma shit on top of the toilet
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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