It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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