Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
