i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
