I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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