If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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