His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
