I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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