Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
