haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
