last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have aggressive nipples.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
