I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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