did you get engaged???
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
