He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
