I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
