i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
