Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize