Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
