Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
