if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
