The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
