I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
