I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
