quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
