Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
