Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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