I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
