There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
